Tha Raw Report - Dumb And Dumber

In all honestly, subtitling this week's "Raw" article, "Dumb And Dumber" is disrespectful to the hilarious comedy movie of the same name. It is, however, a fitting description of the antics that WWE is currently pulling on its television broadcasts as of late.

Disrespectful, indeed. The concept of a "death" storyline was stupid and tasteless to begin with, but the longer this is being drawn out the worse it becomes.

While WWE is, evidently, hoping to create this summer's blockbuster murder mystery show, they are pissing the fuck out of this long time wrestling fan.

WWE is not making much of an attempt to convey that the "Vince McMahon is dead" thing is not a work. Why else have Cryme Tyme pull a "Mr. McMahon Memorabilia Auction" during their remembrance speech last night? By the way, am I the only one who is WAY past this Cryme Tyme gimmick? Their act is beyond tired, becoming less and less funny with each passing skit.

In addition, "Raw" opened last night with the players in this Sunday's Vengeance main event playing the "blame game". Randy Orton thinks that Mick Foley was involved in McMahon's demise while King Booker blames Bobby Lashley. Very captivating stuff. What a way to put over a WWE Championship match...base the feud on this ridiculous "Whodunnit?" scenario.

And to make this dumb scene even dumber...they have John Cena deliver a nursery rhyme in the middle of the ring: "Divers, drivers, drummers, plumbers, teachers, preachers, that drunk in the bleachers!". God, I fuckin' hate this guy.

The way things are going - like it or not - this storyline is going to stick. Don't be surprised if this entire angle does play its way out throughout the summer, PERHAPS culminating at SummerSlam.

This whole story is representative of one of those dumb ideas that the E has concocted that - if I wasn't working for Tha O Show - would persuade me to stop watching wrestling. It is truly embarrasing to support a broadcast that devoted 30 seconds to the in-real-life passing of WWE Hall of Famer, Sensational Sherri and the rest of the show to the kayfabe death of Vince McMahon.

It truly is sickening.

Anyway, on to WRESTLING - the lost W in the company's initials. I, like Big Daddy Donnie, am not happy with Brian Kendrick and Paul London moving to "Raw". The Hooliganz (note to O-sters, we didn't make that name up...we've seen it written on their ring gear although it's never been mentioned on-air) are much better suited for "SmackDown!".

On what USED to be my favourite wrestling show on TV, "SmackDown!" hosted more smark-friendly matches that catered more to the in-ring abilities of the performers. London and Kendrick could be seen in matches that required commercial breaks on a regular basis due to their length. And not one of them was boring. Although JBL's whole "they are fun to watch" gimmick was getting on my nerves, it sucks that this team will not be able to showcase their skills the way they used to.

Case and point: their match last night with The World's Greatest Tag Team ended much too abruptly. Only a few minutes long, this match had "Raw" written all over it and just didn't feel like the right place for London and Kendrick to be. Yes, they went over, but the match just wasn't that...well, "fun to watch".

Interesting occurance in the match - a botched two count. At one point in the match, while London was being pinned, the ref counted to two and paused even though there wasn't a kickout attempt. The words "kick out!" were definitely audible. A sign, perhaps, that The Hooliganz were simply in the wrong ring.

In keeping with the whole "let's-showcase-everyone-who-got-drafted" theme of the night, former ECW star The Sandman came to the ring to interrupt Carlito. And that was it. The reason for him coming to the ring during Carlito's rant? Who knows? Possible feud starting between the two? Who cares?

To quote Donnie (and agree with him again): "Does putting Daivari on 'Raw" make a damn bit of sense? Nope." End quote.

Another case and point: He is soundly defeated by Jeff Hardy last night in a "I have nothing to do with this feud" match that was only fodder for the ongoing Hardys VS. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch story. And it has to be said AGAIN...with all this draft stuff going on, the concept of this feud only gets dumber when you consider that Matt Hardy is part of "SmackDown!"...not even there to back his brother up when Cade and Murdoch jaw-jack him.

I did, however, like Cade and Murdoch's reaction to the crowd getting amped for Jeff Hardy's Swanton Bomb finish. They got out of their ring side seats as if they expected a run-in...which made sense considering that the crowd reaction would have been the same has one been in effect. These guys are obviously pros.

However, speaking of crowd reaction, I must make mention of this just one time. Please pay attention: ANYONE WHO STILL SCREAMS "WHAT?" DURING A SUPERSTAR'S PROMO IS A FUCKIN' LOSER!!! LET IT THE FUCK GO ALREADY!!

And staying on the whole dumb and dumber angle this article has taken on, I've just about had it with all of those dumb "I'm on the phone" backstage skits in WWE. Who the fuck are these guys talking to anyway? Wouldn't the person receiving the play-by-play from Jonathan Coachman already be watching "Raw" if he was really interested in what was going on?

Dumber still: Todd Grisham interviewing Vince McMahon's wig-wearing limo driver from last week. Nuff said.

So, FINALLY Umaga will get his rematch for the Intercontinental Championship at Vengeance this Sunday. Thanks Mick Foley for staying true to your "job for anyone" mandate. Umaga is, once again, a monster. The match on Sunday, however, has HUGE implications, not only for this strap, but for its current holder. If Santino Marella gets squashed, his entire IC run and entrance into the company will look weak - which it already has been. If he somehow pulls out a legit looking win, it will hopefully propel his character into the "I mean business" category.

Currently, his flirting-with-Maria antics don't do much to put him over as a worthy champion in my eyes. God, something needs to be done with this belt! Look how good the U.S. Championship looks over on "SmackDown!". It was won by a good wrestler in a great storyline. End result: belt looks hype.

As usual, there is never much to report on when it comes to women's matches...except how the women looked. Sexy as usual. But in fairness, Melina's new splits-legdrop finisher looked really good.

Back to the E being dumb and dumber...and in this case, the "dumberest" thing said in the entire broadcast. During the main event, Lashley/Cena VS. Orton/Booker, Jerry Lawler mentions that the match marked the first time that Lashley and King Booker (so glad to see him back on TV) were facing each other in the ring. "I don't think you're mistaken, I think you're right about that", agrees Jim Ross.

This goes beyond revisionist history folks. This is just plain and simple fuckin' retardation. Are they serious? Do they not friggin' remember who the hell Booker beat to BECOME KING? It took me all of two seconds to recall the dread I felt pondering the notion of a personality-less King Bobby Lashley. The spear through the throne? The ENTIRE "King of the Ring" gimmick? Based on a Lashley/Booker feud! Not ringing a bell oh mighty commentators of the E's flagship show? What the fuck?!

Lastly, I must say, as shots of another white limo sprinkled the "Raw" broadcast last night, the entire viewing audience probably wondered, "Who's in there?".

And as Stephanie McMahon exited the limo and walked towards the ring to cry fake tears over the pretend loss of her father, I could think of only one thing:

Bitch got fat.

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