WrestleMania? Pass.

Seriously... are there any O-sters out there who are truly excited about this year's WrestleMania? If you are, can you please tell your Uncle Kingdom why?

The line-up that's been announced so far doesn't interest me in the least and, for the first time in many years, I don’t really feel a desire to watch the event. That being said, I almost certainly WILL watch it in just the same way a lapsed Catholic still makes it to church at Christmas and Easter.

Let’s look at a rundown of the matches we know about so far and then I’ll proceed to run them down, if you catch my meaning.

First of all, there are the two World title matches as "Raw" champ John Cena defends against Shawn Michaels and "SmackDown!" champ Batista defends against The Undertaker. Both of these matches will only be as good as the challengers make them.

I’m not a big John Cena fan but I definitely wouldn’t call myself a Cena-hater. He is what he is and that’s a case of charisma over workrate.

The WWF may have prospered for years with such a champion (Hell, they STILL make money when that guy shows up) but I’m not inspired by this match-up. This match is an attempt to make the best of a bad situation (the Triple H injury) and I haven’t been given any particular reason to get enthusiastic about it. That being said, Cena VS. Michaels is completely about where Shawn leads and how well Cena can follow.

The "SmackDown!" match-up of Batista (and his World title) VS. Undertaker (and his WM winning streak) is even more of a thrill-killer to me. I can’t think of a day in his career where I was excited to see Batista step into a ring. The guy is a primal scream in a pair of trunks. His only concept of the word “finesse” comes if his girlfriend leaves her hair care products in his hotel bathroom.

Big Dave is one-dimensional at best and although I respect the ring general, that Taker has become over the years, enough to trust that he will carry Batista to at least a decent match (even if he has to install a handle in the champion’s back and tattoo the word “Samsonite” on his ass) I’m just not interested in sitting down to watch it.

The Women’s World title is also on the line with Melina Perez (why can’t more WWE “divas” have last names) defending against Ashley Massaro. Honestly folks, I hope they steal the show and put on a wrestling classic that puts Flair VS. Steamboat to shame. I’m all for top quality women’s wrestling and WWE has a group of women who, if nurtured and then allowed, could put on some fantastic matches. (Torrie Wilson could be every bit as good as Trish Stratus if she wanted to be.)

And that does it for the titles being defended. The ECW champion isn't even defending his title. Neither is the Intercontinental champ for that matter. Nope, those two men are fighting each other with the bouffants of two obnoxious billionaire media whores at stake.

Try and grasp the message you’re subtly being sent. You're being told, in a rather subversive manner, that Donald Trump's hair is a more valuable trophy than either Umaga’s Intercontinental title or Bobby Lesnar *whoops* Lashley’s ECW World title. (That Lesnar thing is just Vince McMahon’s deepest wish.)

This angle is purely about bringing in a little bit of mainstream press and trying to convince some casual or even non-wrestling fans to give their product a try. And it’ll work too. Think about how many TV outlets around America and around the world will play the video after Steve Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Donald Trump.

Terrific. No, wait... actually that sucks because if you ARE a wrestling fan, the titles SHOULD mean something to you. They should certainly mean more than the promoter’s hair, shouldn’t they? And while this angle was originally planned with Hulk Hogan as Trump’s man and The Big Show representing Vince McMahon (neither of whom would have been carrying a championship belt into the match) the current set-up really speaks to me about how the WWE will go to any lengths to get people interested in their product, but once they become loyal to some aspect of said product, it’s in danger of being completely de-valued to help bring in the next crop of newbies?

The “Money In The Bank” match is a eight-way ladder match. Why? Wasn’t last year’s six-way ladder match enough of a clusterfuck? This match promises excitement and suspense but it does so by using up almost every piece of available talent capable of guaranteeing a homerun match. You could break this match up into 3 or 4 other contests that would be really great wrestling matches.

This eight-man is asking them to work a style that WWE has all but abandoned in order to minimize the risk of serious injury to this very group of top stars. The winner of this match will spend the next few months being pushed into position for a run at his respective World title. Do you think anything as hazardous as a ladder match will be part of that push? Nope? So why use it as the starting point? It's kind of like being asked to win a drag race on a busy city street in order to earn your driver's license.

An eight man tag match pits the ECW Originals team of Sabu, Sandman, Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer against the ECW New Breed of Monty Brown, Matt Striker, Elijah Burke and Kevin Thorn. As “New Breed” stables go, this foursome is MORE interesting to me than WCW New Breed that battled the Millionaires...but far less interesting than the NWA New Breed that traveled back to 1987 from the distant future (2002) to destroy the Rock and Roll Express.

This is another clusterfuck in the making with The Alpha Male getting the chance to make a name for himself by destroying the four Originals and probably pin Van Dam.

Ric Flair VS. Carlito will get thrown in there. Carlito is this year’s Shelton Benjamin. Inches away from super-stardom, he’s been booked down to after-thought status. Beating Flair won’t do anything to improve Carlos Jr’s lot in life. Then again, losing to the 16-time champ couldn’t really hurt him in any appreciable way either.

Oh, and The Great Khali will “wrestle” Kane. Kane, who’s way up in the top ten as far as WWE tenure is concerned, has almost always been booked incredibly well or, more precisely, in positions with incredible potential. The fact that I’ve almost never been interested in anything Glen Jacobs has done since he stopped working as “the New Diesel” says more to me about what he brings to the table skill-wise than it does about the booking.

Khali, mind you, is finally being programmed better. By programmed, I mean having his appearances choreographed from the time he appears through the curtain to the moment he lumbers back through it. You can’t exactly let that guy go out there and make it up on the fly. Khali is this generation’s “Zeus”, so let’s build him for a massive title shot, have him lose and get him back to Hollywood in time to ride a bicycle up to Ice Cube’s house and steal his gold chain.

Chris Benoit will defend the United States title against Montavious Porter. If Porter is decent, Benoit will make this match work, but I haven’t seen enough of Porter to have really formed an opinion of him or, more importantly, to care whether he wins or loses. Are the powers-that-be sure they wouldn’t rather have Benoit wait backstage then sweep up the arena after the show?

What else will be added? Kendrick and London VS. Sha-Na-Na? More likely some giant tag team gauntlet match with some or all of Nitro and Mercury, Regal and Taylor, Haas and Benjamin, Cade and Murdoch, Eugene and Duggan, The Highlanders and Cryme Tyme added. Then maybe Chavo will defend his Cruiserweight title. And of course there will be some sort of bra-and-panties train wreck.

You never know... maybe I’ll sit down and watch this show and be blown away, but walking into it I just don’t feel anything for any of these matches. No excitement. No anticipation. It just doesn’t feel like “the Fed” is giving me their best this year and ‘Mania should be about the very best WWE can offer.

This WrestleMania, however, is more about missed opportunities. Some are being missed due to unforeseen and/or unavoidable circumstances. Some are being missed out of spite. Some are just being missed.

Here's the WrestleMania we could have had...

If Triple H hadn't blown out his quad, there wouldn't have been a need to reposition Shawn Michaels. Personally, I would have put the World title on Umaga at the Rumble (or earlier) and topped it off with an injury angle. Mania could have featured Cena's valiant return and inspirational victory to reclaim his title.

Meanwhile, DX and Rated RKO could have blown-off their feud once and for all with a giant tag team street fight for the "Raw" tag titles. This would be the final straw in dissolving Rated RKO's partnership with Edge, Orton and Cena then starting a three-way feud for Cena’s World belt on the next night’s "Raw" that could have carried them until SummerSlam.

Undertaker VS. Batista is probably about as good as "SmackDown!"'s main event scene was going to provide with the emotion of The Undertaker winning the Rumble leading to the streak VS. title match.

But the ECW main event picture could be a thousand times better than it is. If RVD and Sabu hadn't been arrested...If RVD's contract weren't about to run out...If CM Punk hadn't suddenly become a whipping boy...and I guess if water weren't wet and Santa Claus was real...We could all be watching ECW Champ Van Dam defend against challenger CM Punk. Think of the promos as a Raven/Punk-redux with Punk screaming about the moral superiority his straight edge lifestyle gives him while Van Dam tells him to mellow out through a thick cloud of blunt smoke.

As previously mentioned, the billionaire buzzcut match was supposed to be Hulk Hogan VS. The Big Show. I’d watch that. Especially if it were preceded by a monster truck sumo challenge and brawl on the roof of the stadium. (WCW blew that by not sending a camera to “check on” The Giant after he fell off the roof and getting a shot of a limo with a crushed-in roof but the Giant nowhere to be seen. Fell in the river? Come on. The river’s like half a mile away from the Joe Louis Arena!) Besides, Hogan fighting a giant in Detroit is always gold, right?

Anyways... I started this by asking if YOU were excited for WrestleMania and why. So it’s time for your feedback, O-sters. Do you agree with me? Disagree? Are you like me and you’re going to end up watching ‘Mania purely out of habit and hope to be surprised? Or are you really revved up and think I’ve got this whole thing backwards.


Anthony "Kingdom" James is a professional wrestler, booker, announcer and the undisputed messiah of strip club joints. Visit him online by going to kingdomjames.com or visit him on MySpace

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