Chair Shots & Table Spots - edition 2.0

Well my fellow O-sters, the infamous night of "Extreme Strip Poker" on ECW television has come and gone. I guess we'll always remember and cherish that one amazing image from that fateful night...Balls Mahoney wearing a poker visor and vest! Spectacular. Now on to more pressing issues. CM Punk continued his meteroic rise to the top with a near flawless performance against Renee Dupree. A solid performance by RVD and Test as well in the main event spot of the evening, which brings me to this week's subject of Chair Shots & Table Spots...the heels of ECW.

I consider myself to be a fairly informed and intellectual fan of professional wrestling. Like many of my fellow O-sters and self-professed "smarks", I like the bad guys. I have always had a special place in my heart for those performers who devote their lives to pissing people off in order to put asses in seats. At six years old, my favorite wrestler wasn't Hulk Hogan or Junkyard Dog. It was Cowboy Bob Orton. I'd like to boast that at age six I had an eye for technical prowess, but the truth is I have no idea why I loved the original "Excellence of Execution". I have always been entertained by those performers who went out of their way to make sure they were victorious by any means necessary, often times lowering themselves
to nefarious means in order to do so.

I need not offer you a history of the modern heel. I needn't remind you of how Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Attitude Era changed the roles of babyfaces and heels in the industry. I needn't point out that Edge and King Booker, both still considered to be bad guys, are viewed by many in the know of being the MVPs of their respective brands. All of that withstanding, I am forced to ask myself why I legitimately detest nearly every heel on the current ECW roster.

Seriously, am I being marked out? Is it possible that I have been successfully worked by the ECW writing team? Big Show has successfully stepped up his game since converting to ECW, yet every time he defends that title I want him to lose it. Matt Striker is one of the most articulate heels in the business both on the mic and in the ring, yet I can't help cheering for Sandman to beat his brains in with his singapore cane!

Mike Knox reminds me of all the insecure meatheads I despised in high school, college and now in the local gym that are overprotective of their girlfriends. He's the kind of guy that makes you wonder how the hell they got her in the first place. Wait a minute...that's his gimmick! While I respect Tommy Dreamer for everything he's contributed to ECW, I have never been a big fan of his. Yet every time Test pins his shoulders to the mat, I become infuriated.

Considering myself somewhat of a hardcore punk connoisseur, I indeed consider Shannon Moore to be exactly what CM Punk claims him to be...a poser. I think Renee Dupree is far too pretty to consider himself "extreme". Even one of my biggest idols in this business, Paul Heyman, has been pissing me off.

While I remind myself that these roles are merely on-air characters and gimmicks created to boost ratings, I am forced to ask why then do they all legitimately piss me off? Why do I continue to cheer the heels of "Raw" and "SmackDown!" on a weekly basis, yet I jeer nearly all of the ECW baddies?

Are all these guys natural heat magnets? Do they all just plain suck? I suspect the latter to be untrue, yet I haven't an answer. All of these athletes have talent in one form or another. Some are the biggest names in the modern era of the business. Some have unlimited potential for the future. Yet I'm reduced to standing shoulder to shoulder with guys in the cheap seats with a Wal-Mart Austin knock-off shirt chanting "USA! USA!" at every opportunity moment. I, my fellow O-sters, for the first time in my young life, am starting to realize that I am nothing more than a mark.

I always have been and probably always will be. Thank you ECW. I think I finally get it now.

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