Great American Smash!

Okay, so I admit. Before even watching "The Great American Bash", I already had it in my mind to write an article entitled "Great American Trash" assuming that's exactly what my opinion of the event would be. But, being the clever rapper that I am, I quickly rummaged through the old think-tank to come up with another word that would rhyme with "bash" in order to convey my satisfaction with tonight's show. (Pretty tight, huh? And they say Canadians can't rap!) Thus, I'm back from another hiatus (sorry Donnie) with a piece praising WWE's latest PPV.

Now, as many of the O-sters probably already know, King Booker rightfully winning the World Championship is the main reason for my approval, but I'll get to that in a minute. You O-sters also know that I haven't been too kind to the WWE product over my last couple of pieces and I still don't think what's being presented is perfect. So let's start with the bad (and that's bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good!):

What the hell is up with the "character" known as Bobby Lashley? Now I'm always asking for greater doses of "reality" in wrestling but having it revealed that he is suffering from a liver that has accumulated an excess of enzymes is retarded. Do most people even know what that means? As JBL alluded to when he mentioned hanging with Jake Roberts (read: coke head) and still never having excess enzymes, WWE may have well just said Lashley's a little too roided-up!

Not only was it dumb to NOT have an actual angle created to get him out of the match, but it further highlighted Lashley's downright brutal mic work. When is the last time you saw ANYONE just simply quietly leave the ring and slowly walk to the back after being told they just lost their opportunity to compete for a title?! Does Lashley really have no sense of charisma whatsoever? Especially, for such a huge muscle head, he looked like such a chump. There was a ton of things WWE could have come up with to have Lashley still look somewhat respectable while not competing. Here's an idea: ANYTHING!

Seriously, just have him laid out in the back and have the viewers assume Finlay, Regal or even that damn Little Bastard have something to do with it. What explanation is given to the average wrestling fan as to why an excess of enzymes in the liver can keep a wrestler out of action?

Apparently, this is the same fate suffered by The Great Khali. Except in his case, Big Show was used to take his place in the (surprisingly very intriguing) Punjabi Prison Match. Now, if The Great Khali, like Lashley cannot compete in accordance to WWE's Wellness Policy, how does this angle keep Khali out of the ring? He wasn't jumped or injured on-air in anyway...not that I'm complaining that he wasn't in the match. Show, I'm sure, pulled off a better performance than Khali could have dreamed of...but again, I'm left wondering, how will they make sense of this on the next episode of "SmackDown!"?

Speaking of shit that doesn't make sense: I was going to make mention over a week ago how much kudos WWE deserved for having Matt Hardy go over on Mr. Kennedy on "SmackDown!". Handing Kennedy his first official pinfall, I thought, would help properly propel Matt to a level deserving of someone with his talent and history in the company.

Interestingly, there are a lot of interesting, yet contradictory, credits that can be attached to the sensai of Mattitude's name. They include but are not limited to: a) performer of one of the sickest bumps in wrestling history - by falling off a ladder, along with Bubba Ray Dudley, that was inside the ring and crashing through a stack of tables outside of the ring during the TLC Match at WrestleMania X-Seven, b) being the only WWE superstar to job to the one-legged Zack Gowan during his forgettable mini-stint in the company and c) being the first to pin Mr. Kennedy on "SmackDown!".

You'd think that last credit would help Matt somehow. Say, use him to replace Lashley in the triple threat match for the U.S. Championship...have him win the title and go on a killer run that pushes him into the main event. Again, JBL alluded to the fact that Matt has always seemed to come so close to main event status but always just misses the mark. What gives? Having Regal VS. Finlay as the replacement match gave the crowd no one to cheer for. As Donnie mentioned, WWE conditions its audience to root for babyfaces...and since there was none in this match, the competitors were met with chants of "boring".

In addition, Matt Hardy, instead, is thrown into an unannounced match with Gregory Helms a.k.a. the longest reigning champion in the WWE...because he never defends the title! Wasn't Super Crazy supposed to challenge for the Cruiserweight strap after his victory last "SmackDown!"?? Now, before you think I forgot what the title of this article was, let me say that Helms and Hardy did have a good match. It had the feel of a "we're best friends in real life and our ring work together would be off the hook" type of affair. Not a bad job by both superstars...but the Helms win puts Matt right back where he was before his victory over Kennedy...Shitsville, USA.

Honorable mention also goes out to the opening bout of "The Great American Bash". The Pitbulls VS. Kendrick and London for the WWE tag titles match. Now, before continuing with this love-fest, what really is Kendrick and London's gimmick? I could have sworn that I read "Hooliganz" on the back of their entrance attire and ring gear...but to my knowledge, there has never once been a mention of why they wear those weirdo theatre masks. Either way, tha "O" of the night comes when Paul London is thrown over the top ropes and while trying to skin the cat to get back into the ring, he's dropkicked in the abs and flies outside of the ring to a crash landing on his back! Nice spot.

And finally, of course, the moment I've been waiting for...for what feels like forever: the official culmination of one of the most deserved pushes ever: King Booker is now King of the World! Five, yes five, I'll say it again, five, didn't read me? Five, that's right five years into his WWE career, Booker T is finally back where he was during the demise of WCW...he is the World Champion! Easily, the most entertaining guy on "SmackDown!" (alongside JBL, I admit it), Booker deserves to be champ.

He's a seasoned veteran who is still very agile and athletic in his late thirties. He's been paying his dues for years, is gold on the mic and has been playing the snobby king character geniusly (if that's a word). Now, for the record, I'm a former Booker T hater, believe it or not. The band-aid over the nose, clean cut, happy-go-lucky Booker T of WCW fame made no fan out of me. But the dreadlocked (yes bredren!), charisma-having-for-days, arrogant and aggressive Booker T...now he's the man!

I also love the Chavo Guerrero heel turn. Donnie and I have been calling this for months but I guess good things come to those who wait. To make sense of his chair shot (which, by the way, was also a crazy "O"...man he unleashed that chair on Rey's head!), Chavo's gotta mention how sick he is of having Rey live of off his uncle Eddie's fame. But we'll see where this goes...I hope it'll elevate Chavo to a higher level in this industry before he REALLY retires.

Just gotta mention this too...really glad Kristal lost the Four Way Bra and Panties Match. She's so damn hot man! As I mentioned to Donnie, I'd give her the "Rusty Trombone" anyday of the week. (Author's note: Okay I got that term from watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It sounded funny as shit, but if anyone knows what it actually means, please let me know so I can find out if I have to recant that last sentence!).

Share |