Kane: Worst gimmick ever

He's gone by many different names in this industry: Unibomb, Doomsday, The Fake Diesel, Isaac Yankem DDS and my personal fav - the Christmas Creature. Despite these horrible characters and all of their crimes against wrestling, fans will forever remember Glen Jacobs as Kane. Hopefully they'll remember that no better than Yankem or Phoney Big Daddy Cool, Kane is and has always been a brutal gimmick, with no sense of consistency at all.

Keep in mind how we were first introduced to Kane. He burst upon the scene in 1997 under a goofy red light wearing a full body costume and a mask. We were told he was the Undertaker's little brother who Taker thought died as a child in a house fire. Apparently they were both the children of former WWF manager Paul Bearer. Never mind the fact that Bearer would have barely been old enough to grow a hair on his nutsack, who the hell would have sex with that man and conceive a child? Then be such a glutton for punishment that they'd actually do it again? Please.

Kane was supposed to be horribly disfigured and burnt to a crisp. We were led to believe that only his left arm (only piece of exposed skin when he initially debuted) was unharmed in the great fire. Years later, he is walking around shirtless and maskless. Sure he's a big ugly dude - but horribly disfigured?

These kind of inconsistencies really insult the fans. It's like when Carlito and Jesus "stabbed" John Cena in the back at a club. Weeks later, Cena was on pay-per-view showing no ill effects. The late Eddie Guerrero looked at Cena and said, "uhh what happened to your stab wound?" and Cena replied "Oh, the doctor hooked it up".

I guess that same doctor must have hooked up Kane.

Remember when Kane was silent his first few years in the company? The reason, of course, was Glen cut worse promos than Bobby Lashley. Eventually, they decided that Kane needed to speak. His vocal cords had been destroyed, however, in the great fire. Out came the little throat kazoo deal. He used that for a while, sounding like a big red robot. Eventually, his "friend" X-Pac convinced him he didn't 'need' the gimmick and could talk just fine without it. Amazingly, he did.

The Katie Vick saga. This ranks at the top of the list of all time stupid WWF / WWE angles. Apparently, Kane killed his high school girlfriend by accident. Let's just keep in mind, of course, that when we were FIRST told about Kane, we were told he died in a fire as a CHILD - not as a teen. Ok, no biggie. Who expects us to remember that crap, right?

Not only did this feature some of the most tasteless moments of the Attitude Era (like Triple H humping her exumed corpse in her casket), but it did absolutely nothing for the feud or his character. It just confused people.

To make matters worse, the WWE released an "autobiography" of Kane that detailed that entire brutal story. My good buddy, Darkside assumed that I was on a high-crap diet and picked it up for me for my last birthday. Ok, it was funny, but not intentionally.

Remember Kane's ridiculous feud with Chris Jericho? It wasn't over titles or pride or any cool stuff like that. It was over a spilled cup of coffee.

How is it that Kane - the monster.... the man who has defeated the Undertaker (one of the all time greats) struggled in a prolonged feud against Shane McMahon? Now, I'll concede the Prince of "O" is a pretty sick little bumper, but for God's sake! He's not even a WRESTLER! He's the boss' kid! To make it even stupider, this happened AFTER Kane lost his mask and was supposedly the new, more evil, more sadistic Kane. Remember when he was thrown into a burning dumpster by Shane McMahon - but was unmarked / unharmed on the next show? I think the doctor must have hooked it up again.

That feud did a lot to kill what could have been a serious main event push. How are fans going to accept him as being a threat to the WWE title when he can't get a clean pinfall against Shane 'O' Mac?

If I see one more Kane-Undertaker feud or reunion, I will seriously stop watching the WWE forever. The Brothers of Destruction should hit the self destruct button.

Remember when Kane, the man who was booked as basically a retard - a guy with no mind of his own - was a member of Vinnie Mac's evil Corporation? Remember shortly there after when that same moron WON a special WWF edition of "The Weakest Link"? A company that is so concerned with protecting his character and telling him to kayfabe every interview, let's the guy go on "The Weakest Link" and WIN?

How come The Big Red Machine doesn't wear red anymore? Why do they still refer to him as "The Big Red Machine"?

Jim Ross has mentioned many times how Kane is a former WWE champion. Does he ever mention that Kane only won the belt once, and held it for 26 hours? The company likely saw him pose for a promo pic with their belt and his red pajamas and said "what have we done?". Not to mention, he didn't actually 'beat' anyone for the strap. They thought so little of him, they didn't even let him have a pinfall win over Austin. He won a bullshit first blood match against Stone Cold.

Let's be serious - he's never been taken seriously as a main eventer. Quick - name as many pay per views as you can that featured Kane in the main event. I'll even let you count matches that weren't one on one (a sure sign the company didn't believe in his drawing power alone).

He did have a brief, and very forgettable run as Intercontinental Champion, but he literally did nothing in that role.

He is 'just' a tag wrestler. No greater than Billy Gunn or Marty Janetty (both former I-C champs as well). Over the course of his WWE run, Kane has teamed with (to varying degrees of success) men like X-Pac, Mankind, Hurricane, RVD, Bradshaw, The
Big Show and his big brother. That's where he's been at his best. As a complimentary figure. Why do fans still go bonkers when the fire goes off? Haven't they figured this out?

Here's another inconsistency... remember when Kane was "in love" with Tori? No, not Tori Wilson or Victoria - I mean the original Tori! The chick who did the Mickie James stalker angle before it was cool. Tori eventually dumped Kane for X-Pac, saying that Kane was all burned up 'down there' and couldn't satisfy her. Years later, Lita told Matt Hardy he couldn't satisfy her the way Kane could! Did he go and get the John Bobbit surgery? What happened?

On the subject of Lita - how often does it happen that a woman gets stalked by a man she's terrified of - who abuses her every chance he gets, then falls madly in love with him. She gets pregnant with his demon child, then leaves Kane when Gene Snitsky falls on her causing a mis-carriage. Oy. And these are the days of our lives.

Ok, I'm going to suspend my belief and try to understand that Kane - being a total maniac can take a 'role' in a movie and 'pretend' to be a total maniac. Okay sure. It's almost as dumb as the feud between Zeus and Hogan that allegedly started on the set of No Holds Barred - but okay, I'll let that slide. At the movie premiere (attended by most of the WWE roster in black tie), Kane showed up in his ring gear. Not wanting to break character? C'mon WWE, give it up! You've butchered this guy's character. Let him wear a nice suit to the premiere of his first and last film.

All that is forgiveable, but what is not - is this ongoing May 19th angle. It is without a doubt the dumbest angle in WWE history. Why can we, the audience, hear Kane's thoughts? Why is Kane's voice yelling at him from the Titan Tron in a pre-recorded voice over? Why am I even justifying this idiotic story by discussing it?

The WWE has insulted us more times that I care to recount with this Kane character. It's time to put the damn thing back where it belongs. Let him be an enhanced jobber to the stars who works decent tag matches for a big dude. Stop screwing around with all these voice overs and all of his never ending back story. Let it go!

In the spirit of DX's reunion, I've got two words for ya:
"Kane Sucks".

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